Girls Night Out.

Last night, my friend and I went to a dance club to promote my new dance studio. I was supposed to meet one of my newly hired teachers there. Well, we couldn't find each other so she left thinking that I had either stood her up or was hazing her in some sort of cruel way. I got a couple of nasty voice mails from her, but I called her this morning and all is well.

Anyway, my friend was on my last nerve last night. I wanted to go to a different club where my other friends were. She didn't have to follow me, but she did. She was a total bitch the entire night. She sat at a table by herself wallowing in self pitty. I think she was jealous because I was dancing with my other "best" friend instead of her. But she wouldn't get her butt out of the chair to do anything....let alone dance.

So anyway, we had a highly annoying car ride home. I tried making conversation to which she repeatedly replied "I don't know what you're talking about". Example: "Hey K. What's the weather supposed to be like tomorrow?" To which she says " I have no idea"!

AAGGHH!!! She was irritating me so bad! If she would only get her own car, she wouldn't have to follow me everywhere. I've been lending her my car for the last 4-5 months and I drive her almost everywhere. So, I'm sorry, but beggers can't be choosers.

I invited her to go with me and my other friend to Vegas in a couple of weeks, but now I don't know if I want to deal with her issues while I'm trying to let loose.

Anyway, that wasn't the half of my irritations with her, but that was the watered down version.

Now for my positives and negatives of being a birth mother:

Positive: My baby will have everything he could possibly want for the rest of his life. He will never know what it's like to shop at thrift stores and get free school lunch.

Negative: I never know what he's being taught. Will he be taught to think that gay people are bad? I hope not.

The husband is gone!

My husband has only been gone for 6 hours and already I have the entire house clean as a whistle. I had lunch made, laundry done and just finished vacuuming when I got a phone call from my sobbing 16 year old brother, C.

Aparantely, he got caught by the cops for lighting fire crackers in the back yard of my mom and step dad's house (which has about an acre). The police arrived and sent his friends home and asked to speak with his parents. Well, my mom was off doing whatever it is she does so the only other option was for the officer to call my dad.

Let me tell you something about my father. He has a temper that crossed the abusive border line years ago when he back handed me across the face for letting my bank account go $10 in the negative. Anyway, he has hit myself and my other brother "Mr. Ty" who is now 20.

Of course my dad flew off the handle and started yelling at C. He called me scared to death that it was his turn to get beat. So, I called my dad and told him to chill. After all, since when is it such a terrible thing to have a 16 year old boy being a teenager. My brother gets yelled at for having friends in his car, staying out late, playing with fire works and playing video games. Not real sure, but it sounds like he's just being a teenager. Who knows...maybe I'll know better when I have a teenager. But even then, I refuse to hit them or verbally abuse them for hours on end.

Anyway....here's my positive and negative for the day about being a birth mother.

Positive: I feel a sense of pride that I didn't burden society with my medical costs, child care, and State assisted housing.

Negative: I stopped getting updates about my son last year. So from now on, I know nothing about him....which I'm actually okay with.

Thanks for listening!

Date Night

My husband is an avid deer hunter...and this next week is his week to go do his thing. He will be gone for six days. I used to be overly dramatic when he would leave. I would cry and hug him for several minutes. Since then, I have grown up and realized that I need him gone just as much as he needs to be gone.

Without him home, I can finally clean without back tracking. I can spend girl time with my friends, and get caught up on my lesson plans for dance.

Tonight, we're going to a movie. I really want to see "Good luck Chuck". My husbands mom will be watching Teenie E. since my mom hasn't been interested in grandmothering for a couple of months now.

You see, my mom is cheating on my step dad. Consequently, she is not emotionally available for mothering or grandmothering. Before her "mistress" came into her life, she was a fabulous grandmother. She was always willing to watch Teenie E. whenever I asked. She would take her for horse rides and on long walks down her street filled with hay fields. Now, she spends her time sneaking around telling lies so she can hang out with her new man. He's a real live cowboy. He owns a ranch and many head of horse.

My mom has always wanted to be a cowgirl, but could never land the right man to take her in that direction. Well, now she has and he's almost 65 years old (she's about 45).

Sometimes I think cheating runs in my blood. My dad did it to my mom and now my mom is doing it to my step dad. I often find myself thinking about it. But, unlike my mother and father...I am committed to my family. Period.

Anyway....thanks for listening again! I know my blog is random and I never talk about the same thing....hopefully you find that interesting. I am going to try leaving you with a positive and a negative everyday about my experience as a birth mother.

Positive: I got a second chance at "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage." And you know what...I did it right!

Negative: This is harder than I thought. I guess I would have to say that the first week after the adoption was the most agonizing week of my life. I shouldn't have had to experience that amount of grief at such a young age. But, I got through it. I just had to remember that I wasn't the first birth mother to go through it...nor would I be the last.

Still No Camera....so I'll make this real interesting.

Seven years ago, I gave birth to a baby boy. I was only 16. Since then, I find my self depressed and anxious around the time of his birthday. Well, his birthday was three weeks ago and I totally forgot it. I think that I just might be over the whole ordeal.

He went to a wonderful home where his family had been waiting over 7 years. His adoptive parents were unable to have children. Except, when they adopted my baby, something happened and exactly one year later, they gave birth to a baby girl who now shares the same birthday as her big brother.....I don't need much more confirmation than that.

My husband doesn't like to talk about the baby or the birth dad. Actually, no one in my family talks about it. So, I have a lot of junk built up inside. One of my friends recently told me that feelings buried alive never die....I believe her and I think this quote has actually helped me think through a lot of things.

I also think that I purposely try to sabotage my own marriage and family. I have a wonderful marriage and adorable daughter. I feel guilty that I finally got it right....why couldn't I give my first child what I have now? Lots of unanswered questions that I am sorting out....but I think I'm getting extremely close to closure... A. K. A. "getting over it".

Anyway those are my thoughts for the day....thanks for listening.